X Friends 4: Lance and his Ladies
by Caelice
Summary: Pietro tries to bond with his longlost daughter...and fails miserably. Lance tries to attract girls with John's help, but finds himself lacking in that department and Kitty has trouble breaking up with a boyfriend who can't stop screaming.


**Disclaimer: **I own Hailey, Charlie, Hans, Rena, Lara and Delilah. I'll mention anyone else in the upcoming chapters.

Oh and BEWARE: Incredibly cheesy pick up lines coming up. So watch out.

Oh, and this was the extract that was missing. I pasted the whole paragraph here. Sorry about that.

"_After you left I kind of…felt the need to fill up the empty space. I went shopping like mad and I found myself starting to even get interested in fashion. I went completely crazy on clothes and well, now I'm a big executive at Gucci," she said, smirking widely. "And as for me being best friends with Pietro…well, it just happened. We kind of just turned to each other. He turned to me for comfort and…and…I turned to him for fashion tips. He's actually quite a great friend. Sweet, clever, kind and loads of fun." She giggled. Kitty looked shocked. Then she smirked. _

To understand this, you'll probably have to read X Friends 1, 2 and 3, though not if you don't want to. The next X Friends will be definitely more than one chapter long, definitely.

X Friends 4: Lance and his ladies

John watched as another girl rejected Lance, flicking her hair in disgust and walking away. Lance sighed, trotting dejectedly back to John. His face was puckered in annoyance and he seemed bitter. He flopped onto the couch, groaning loudly.

"What's wrong?" John asked, closing his magazine. Lance flicked his long hair back.

"Well, I seem to be going through a dry spell," he muttered. John raised his eyebrows.

"Dry spell? But you _just _broke up with Danielle? Why are you looking to go out with someone so soon? I mean, she hasn't even moved out yet, and you're already looking to hook up with someone else?" he said, looking suspicious. "That's pretty sleazy if you ask me." Lance glared at him.

"Oh shut up! Last week you and Pietro had a competition to see how many girls you could both go out with in one _week_! If I recall, you told every single on of them that you were going to call them, and the only reason you even did was because you left your boxers at their apartment," he snapped. John smirked.

"That was a good week," he said dreamily. "Pietro won, but he told me he accidentally stumbled into a club full of desperate women."

"What, a strip club?"

"No, a club for women with cheating husbands. Apparently he was nearly crushed from the women throwing themselves at him," John smirked. Lance glared at both of them.

"You two are the sleaziest pair of men I've ever met."

"Eh," John said, shrugging.

"Right, well, anyway, I'm not looking to go out with girls," Lance said. He looked scared. "I'm panicking, man. After Danielle, I'm just getting so paranoid that maybe I'm not attractive anymore. I mean, Danielle's a _man_. I'm just so scared that…that…maybe I'm not attractive to _women_." He rubbed his forehead. John looked devastated.

"I'm…I'm so sorry man. I never knew," he whispered. "But look, you'll turn out fine."

"No! No, I won't!" Lance cried.

"Hey! Whoa! Look! Loads of people go through dry spells. I went through a really long one during high school and I turned out all right," he said. Hans appeared at the couch, glaring at John.

"Allerdyce, I'm warning you! If you keep eating muffins off the floor you're fired!" he threatened, then turned to leave. Lance stared at John with raised eyebrows. John shrugged.

"What? I'm not about to waste food, _even _if someone's stepped on it," he snorted. Lace turned a pale green, then shook his head quickly.

"Right. Anyway. Back to my problem. How do I pick up girls?" he asked. John thought for a few seconds, then nodded to himself.

"All right. Watch this," he said. A tall, average looking girl walked past, and he snapped his fingers at her. She looked at him, slightly surprised. John changed his position, smiling widely at her. He was oozing charm and sweetness. He gestured to her jeans.

"Hey baby, Are those space jeans? Because your ass is outta this world!" he hooted. Normally this remark would have caused a few seconds of shrieking and bitch slaps but for some reason the girl simply blushed, grinned and giggled. Then she glanced at her boyfriend and quickly shuffled out of the coffeehouse. Lance looked amazed.

"Teach me," he said quickly.

"Okay. You have to _pick _you targets. Don't just go running after any old girl. Like you see Lara over there?" he motioned to the girl behind the counter. "She's hit on a lot. And I mean a lot. She's a catch. And she's set her standards high, so you don't just go and hit on her just like that. You have to plan. But you see that girl over there? The one fiddling with her bra strap? She's sleazy, so you'll probably have no trouble."

After a few more minutes of giving advice Lance nodded. He stood up and headed to a girl sitting with two other girls. He leaned over and gave her what he thought was a winning smile, though he looked as if he had a toothache.

"Hey, sweetheart. You know what would look good on you?" she raised her eyebrow and snorted.

"What?"

"Me," he said. She groaned and turned her back on him. He looked slightly discouraged, then turned to the other girl.

"You know, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put you and I together," he flirted. She snarled at him, then whispered something to the other girl. They gave him annoyed looks then huffed and flicked their hair at him. John winced.

_Ouch_.

Lance looked pooped, but decided to give one more try, obviously thinking _'Third time lucky_.'

"I saw a flower the other day and thought it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen until I saw you," he said, reaching out. She smacked his hand away. He went back to John, looking crushed.

"Why didn't it work?" John asked himself. Then he looked at Lance, who was wearing his reading glasses, a grey sweatshirt and rugged jeans, and realized the problem. "All right, Lance, take off your sweater." Lance glared.

"Flattered, but you're really not my type. Well, actually considering the recent circumstances you _are _my type, but that's not the point!" he said quickly. John whacked him upside the head.

"Idiot!! Look, your sweater sucks. The jeans are alright, but the glasses must _go_!" he snapped. Lance took off the sweater and glasses. He looked much better. He was wearing a black shirt and they looked good with his rugged jeans. "All right. We're going to have to be much more direct now." He gave Lance the 'line' and sent him out. Lance went off to the incredibly hot girl, Lara, behind the counter. She was hit on a lot, so it would be a challenge.

"Hey. You must be an angel from heaven. May I take off your shirt to check if you have wings?" he suggested. The girl giggled and grinned at him. John nodded to himself and reached for his magazine thinking, _He'll be fine_. He was reading his magazine once again when Lance trudged over to the couch and sat down gingerly. John looked up, then stared in shock.

"Holy _crap_!" he said. Lance's eye was blackened, his nose bleeding and his shirt torn. "I'm guessing it didn't go well?" Lance glared at him.

"No, it went _fine_. I'm making out with her right now," he sad sarcastically. John sighed. Lance sniffed and tilted his head back, trying to stop his nose from bleeding profusely. This went on for a few minutes, then he sniffed slightly and stood up. John did too. They had to head back to Rogue's apartment. Not for any particular reason, but because it was the best place to hang out. "That woman was a harpy in disguise. I dished out the line, and she looked interested, and then invited me to sit with her, and then we talked and then she just went nuts after I gave another line."

They walked out of the coffeehouse and headed to Rogue's apartment.

"Really? What was your line?"

"I can tell by the way you're ignoring me that you want me..." Lance said smoothly. John stamped his foot.

"No! No! You must never, ever tell a girl how they're meant to feel," he snapped, whacking Lance. His nose started to bleed again.

They entered the apartment building and walked up the stairs to Rogue's apartment. They entered it and saw Rogue and Kitty trying to comfort a shaken Pietro. John frowned, looking concerned.

"Oy, sheilas, what's going on?" he said, his accent incredibly heavy. Rogue and Kitty explained the situation. Lance looked shocked, but John didn't seem to care as much. He just shrugged. "What can you do? It's not as if you have to raise the kid or provide for her. From what this Hailey girl told you, the pair are doing fine on their own. It's not like you have any responsibilities."

Rogue, Kitty, John and Lance argued while Pietro was silent. Rogue and Kitty wanted Pietro to meet the girl, while Lance and John thought that the girl was better off, having already led what was said to be a good life with her mother. They didn't want Pietro to complicate things. Rogue and Kitty believed that to be insensitive. Finally Pietro spoke, interrupting their squabbling.

"I'm a father," Pietro croaked. "I missed out on all the years of my daughter's life. I…I never even knew about…" He was silent and refused to say anything more, only looking thoughtful and staring at the wall. Kitty and Rogue patted him sympathetically and muttered a few soothing words. Kitty left the apartment to go to John and Pietro's apartment. John turned back to Lance leading him into the open kitchen.

"All right. We have a problem here. Your flirting. I need to see you in action with a girl. That's why I'm ordering pizza," he said. Lance looked befuddled.

"Because the _pizza people_ will know what to do?" he snapped sarcastically. John glowered at him.

"_No-oo_. Because the delivery girl is _hot_. And you're going to flirt with her," he snapped. Lance's face cleared of confusion. He nodded, looking impressed.

"Clever," he complimented. "I mean, for you." John decided to take that as a compliment and called the pizza delivery people. Rogue, sitting next to Pietro, noticed that Lance was looking excited and that John was instructing him to calm down.

"What's going on?" Rogue asked them. John explained, much to Lance's annoyance. Rogue's face remained blank, demanded that John order much more pizza, then when Lance and John went back to the kitchen she rushed back to Pietro, incredibly excited.

"Oh my god! It's happening!" she hissed happily. She grabbed the phone and called John's apartment, which, although it was across the hall, she couldn't bother walking. Kitty picked up the phone. "_Kitty!_ Get over here! It's happening!" She whispered this so Lance and John wouldn't hear. Pietro looked curious.

"What's happening?" he asked. Rogue giggled. She stroked his hair, which was always incredibly soft.

"Just watch," she muttered as Kitty came rushing over.

A few minutes later the doorbell rang and John squeaked. He went to the door, then stopped to turn back to Lance. "Remember, stay _calm_." Lance nodded excitedly. John opened the door and Lance leaned on the doorway, looking, or trying to look, sexy. The pizza girl was standing in the doorway, looking bored. She had long blonde hair tied back and had a hand on her hip. She was chewing gum and glanced at him.

"Two pepperoni pizzas, three cheese pizzas, one mushroom and pineapple and two anchovy pizzas," she drawled. All of them turned to Rogue, eyebrows raised. She shrugged, looking guilty.

"I just happened to take the liberty of ordering a few more pizzas. What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing's wrong. But you didn't need to order enough to feed the whole of _Africa_," Pietro said sarcastically. Rogue stepped on his foot, her high heels making him yelp loudly.

"Um yes, that's our pizza," Lance said. He reached for the money and, seeing the hinting look on John's face he cleared his throat and smirked at the girl. She glanced at him expectantly, waiting to be paid. "You know…um…_pizza_ can cause constipation."

"Excuse me?" she asked, looking shocked.

"That's right. Greasy foods cause constipation. I hope you don't eat too much fast food, because they're not good for you. Sugary foods also cause constipation, and it means you'll spend _hours _on the toilet."

"What?"

Usually a bowel movement should be soft and easy to _pass_, but it usually depends on the person. Some people might have bowel movement once a day, while others have it probably three times a week.

"Um…"

"_I _do it at least five times a week," he said, half-closing his eyelids. He was obviously hoping it would make him look sexy, but it only made him look stoned.

"Is this conversation _actually _happening?" the girl said, shoving the pizza into his arms. Rogue and Kitty were snorting softly. Pietro was watching Lance, lips turned up at the edges. John could only stare in disbelief.

"You'd better believe it baby," Lance said, winking. She looked disgusted. "Healthy stool should usually be brown and have the same texture as crunchy peanut butter. I bet lots of people didn't know that."

"Could you please just pay me?"

"All in good time, my love, all in good time. Diarrhea is also a common problem. It can cause infections and a bloated stomach. You don't want that, it-"

"OKAY! I think we're finished here!" John cried, interrupting. He turned to the girl, but she had had enough.

"I'm out of here!" she snapped. She turned and left immediately. John closed the door, blinking in confusion. There was silence as Kitty and Rogue stifled their laughter, Lance looked puzzled and Pietro looked amused.

"Was I talking about _bowel movement_?" he asked, frowning with confusion. This was too much for Kitty and Rogue, who burst out laughing, tears running down their cheeks. Pietro's mouth twitched slightly.

"Er…did you actually pay for the pizza?" he asked. Rogue wheezed. Lance blushed.

"Oops," he muttered. John was shaking his head in disbelief.

"Unbelievable," he muttered, rubbing his temples. "A lost cause. I've actually found a lost cause." Rogue sighed, still smirking.

"I'll never look at peanut butter the same way. _Ever_," she murmured. Kitty giggled. Then she turned to Rogue, dragging her away from the guys.

"Rogue, I need you advice. You know how I still have feelings for Lance, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I was at the mall when I met this guy who asked me out. His name's Alan and he works in a bookstore," Kitty said, brandishing a napkin with a phone number on it.

"And? Go for it!"

"I don't think I want to…"

"Look Kitty, the only way you can get _over_ Lance is to get _under _another guy."

"I think I just…I still love him."

"Oh please, have you ever _seen _him talking to his pecs? It's an incredible turn off."

"Well, I still don't want to go on this date," Kitty said, shuffling nervously. Rogue shrugged.

"It's your choice Kitty," she said, then she walked off.

* * *

Kitty walked into the bookstore, looking nervous. She replayed her speech as to how she would turn Alan down. He seemed like a nice guy, who probably wouldn't take it too hard. A carefree guy. 

She saw him standing near a bookshelf, organizing some books.

"Alan!" she called out. He looked up and when he saw her he grinned.

"Hey Kitty. What are you doing here?" he asked. She cleared her throat, suddenly feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

"Look Alan…I…" Suddenly one there was a little kid tugging at her skirt. She looked down. "Yes?"

"Scuse me Miss, could I get through here?" the little boy asked, grinning widely at her.

"Oh, sure," she said, smiling at the child. The kid hopped away, clutching about three books. "Aw. How cute." She pouted slightly.

"Yeah. You know, I'm pretty good with kids. I love them, they're awesome," Alan said, smiling pleasantly.

"Yeah, they're cute," Kitty said, suddenly remembering why she was there. "Look, about Friday…" A little girl suddenly walked up to Alan, frowning slightly.

"Excuse me sir, can I buy this book?" she asked timidly.

"NO YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!! WHAT ARE YOU, FREAKING STUPID? THIS IS A BOOKSTORE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE!" Alan roared, shocking the little girl and Kitty. The little girl started to cry and ran off, still sobbing.

He turned back to Kitty.

"You were saying?"

"Nothing!" Kitty said quickly. "Friday's great! Absolutely fantastic!" Then she left.

She had never run this fast in her whole life.

* * *

Pietro was waiting nervously in the lobby of the hotel where Hailey was staying. She was supposed to come down in a few minutes, bringing her daughter…_his _daughter along. 

Pietro had heard things about his daughter from Hailey. Apparently she was a genius. A nine-year-old with a fifteen-year-old mind. Apparently she also had Pietro's arrogance and love for pranks. Hailey had told him that she often got in trouble with the school and complete strangers whom she was rude to. From all he had heard about her Pietro almost expected Hailey to bring down a mini-Pietro.

Pietro looked at the picture on the wall in front of him. The lady next to him was studying them silently. They were pictures of young, cute toddlers. Pietro cleared his throat, not sure what to say. The silence felt incredibly awkward. The lady spoke first:

"So…which of these toddlers is the most repulsive?" she asked. Pietro blinked.

"What? That's awful! They're just kids, they're all beautiful!" he said, shocked.

There was silence.

"The fat one in the corner?"

"Yeah, what the hell is with that kid? Why's it so hairy?"

"I don't know, but ironically the name written in the corner is 'Harry Smith'."

"It's staring at me."

"_He's _staring at you. The kid's a he."

"Don't be so sure. That fatso has bigger breasts than Rogue," Pietro muttered. The lady moved away, leaving Pietro glaring at the picture of the she-he. He looked up after a few seconds, wondering what was taking so long.

Hailey appeared in the elevators as the door opened, accompanied by a tall, brown haired girl. She looked about ten with her hair tied back and dark clothing. She was pale and she was also wearing quite scary looking jewelry. Pietro couldn't help but stare at the girl who was his daughter. Hailey rushed to him, quickly whispering in his ear:

"Don't comment on the clothes. She's facing an identity crisis thing, trying to figure out who she is. It's a kid thing, apparently," she muttered. She pressed something into his hand. "It's a ham and cheese sandwich. If things get bad, just give it to her. Food has a calming effect on her." She turned to her daughter. "Charlotte, this is your father, Pietro Maximoff." She said, gesturing nervously to Pietro. Charlotte scowled at him, then at her mom.

"It's _Charlie_," she snarled through gritted teeth. Pietro felt quite stunned at her obvious anger, but said nothing.

"Hi. Charlie. Hi," he said anxiously.

"Hi Pee-tro," she muttered reluctantly.

"It's Pietro," he corrected.

"Potato, potato," she snapped. _It's potato, pot-ah-to, _Pietro thought, but didn't say anything. Apparently she already hated him, although he had no idea why.

"Okay…um…should we head off?" he said. "You know, blow this joint, vacate, vamoose, split, skedaddle…" Charlie glared at him, looking irritated and Hailey whispered into Pietro's ear.

"Sandwich! Sandwich!"

Panicking slightly, he tossed the sandwich at Charlie. It hit her stomach and then fell to the ground with a loud SPLAT. They stared at it, Hailey sighing in exasperation.

"I'm going," Charlie snapped disgustedly, turning to leave. She turned back, grabbed the sandwich and then walked off, leaving her parents in complete silence. Hailey whacked Pietro upside the head.

"Idiot! You weren't supposed to _throw _it at her! You were supposed to hand it to her," she said. Pietro rubbed his head.

"Well, I don't think it would have made a difference…why doesn't she like me?" he asked.

There was a guilty silence. Pietro immediately noticed.

"Hailey…what did you tell her about me? You know, _before _you found out that I didn't run out on you," he asked softly, his voice bordering on the edge of dangerous. She shuffled slightly.

"Look, you're obviously stressed right now. Want to look down my top?" she offered.

"_Hailey, what did you tell her?_ And maybe later," he added as an after thought.

"I kind of told her that you were a slimy, irresponsible bastard who ran out on me and her. And that you wore a toupee and that your favorite movie was 'Pretty in Pink'," she added under her breath.

"_What?_" he snarled. "That was an _awesome _movie! And shame on you! _Shame on you! _Fat Harry condemns you!" He pointed to the obese toddler on the picture. Hailey looked confused, then quickly recovered.

"I explained everything to her, told her the truth and stuff. I don't know why she's acting like this. I've always taught her to respect everybody equally. Except for, you know, people who are different to me," Hailey said. "And vegans. Because that's just unnatural. But I guess she still feels you're the sleazebag who ran out on us both, and she thinks that you just seduced me to get me to believe that you didn't want to leave me." Pietro nodded in agreement.

"Look, it's fine. I'm good-looking, smooth and completely confident in myself. I'm the perfect father. Plus I'm not turning bald, unlike Lance, who's going to have light bouncing off his head by the time he's thirty. Charlie and I will go out, get some ice creams and have a perfect father-daughter day. I will charm the pants off of…I'll charm her," he quickly corrected.

"I forgot how arrogant you were," Hailey muttered. She pecked him on the cheek. "All right, I'll go get her and bring her back. Just remember, food gets her high. Don't let her near an all-you-can-eat buffet, _except_ as a last resort. Believe me, you'll never leave. Oh, and don't let her near a sweet shop or food shop or you'll find yourself in the slammer with your pockets stuffed full of candies or other edible crap without any clue as to how they got there."

"You went to prison?"

"For a week. It wasn't too bad. I got the inmates and their pet rats to respect me after making an example of the warden."

"Wow. How badly did my leaving you screw up your life?" he asked.

"Pretty badly. I'm now a violent, raging alcoholic. But it's not so bad, as long as those damn therapists stay away from me. I can smell a sobriety association from a mile off. I mean, those people are everything that's wrong with this world!" she snarled. Pietro stared at her. "Those are the type of people I warned Charlie to stay away from. People who destroy everything pure, sweet and good and worth living for."

There was a stunned pause.

Then Pietro spoke.

"Have you ever met my sister? Cause you would _love _her."

* * *

"She hates me," Pietro said, looking glum. "Hailey must've hammered her hate for me in Charlie's head so much that it's irreparable. Through the whole day she was sulky, silent and did everything she could to make me miserable. I mean, she actually dropped her ice cream on me and claimed that her hand slipped." 

"Well, maybe it was an accident."

"Rogue, she thrust it _slap bang _in the middle of my shirt, right in Snoopy's face. And now stupid fudge sauce has dribbled all over Charlie Brown and Sally!"

Rogue pouted. They were sitting on the long couch, while Wanda was reading a magazine on the single couch.

"Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry…I wish I could cheer you up; I knew that was your favorite shirt. You want to feel me up?" she offered. He shook his head.

"No thanks." Wanda put her magazine down and frowned.

"Rogue you are…disturbing beyond comprehension," she said, pursing her lips.

"This coming from the girl who tried to seduce the janitor, Marcus, yesterday at the mall," Rogue retorted.

"Wanda! Ew!" Pietro said, shuddering. "He's like, older than Dad. Well, probably not. No one's older than Dad."

"What? I really needed to go and he was the only person with the keys to the bathroom," Wanda sulked, looking annoyed.

Kitty appeared at the door of the coffeehouse, looking frazzled.

"Hide me!" she hissed. She jumped up onto the sofa, looking for a hiding place. Pietro and Rogue moved away, looking puzzled and surprised. Wanda groaned with annoyance.

"Oh god. How the hell did the French Poodle get off her leash?" she muttered.

"Why? Who are you hiding from?" Rogue asked.

"Alan! He's looking with me. And if he finds me he's going to want to sleep with me!" she cried. "So I have to hide from him!" There was a pause.

"Gee. Your boyfriend wants to sleep with you. You're _so_ unlucky," Wanda said sarcastically. She scanned the front of her magazine.

"I need to get laid," Pietro said suddenly. They stared at him. He looked up, saw them and jolted. "Did I just say that out loud?"

"I don't _want _to sleep with him! He's so creepy! He's always shouting and scaring me and stuff. I'm freaked out that if I break up with him he's going to scream at me. He's so freaky!" Kitty cried, still standing on the couch. Alan suddenly appeared at the door of the coffeehouse. Kitty shrieked, tripped over Rogue and fell unceremoniously behind the couch with a _THUMP_. Alan walked in.

"Hey. Have you guys seen Kitty?"

"Nope. I haven't seen her under any desks or behind any couches at all," Wanda said sarcastically, opening her magazine and flipping through it casually. Suddenly something pushed her from behind and her knees slammed into the desk. "OUCH!"

"Are you okay?" Pietro asked. Wanda looked behind at the chair and saw Kitty, who had phased into the ground and floated to where Wanda was. She glared furiously at Wanda.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just had a seizure. I'm allergic to cats," she said, the statement directed to Alan, who was staring at her. "Nasty little things, never shut up and always coughing up hairballs all over the bloody place." Kitty pushed her again, this time pushing her so hard her knees hit the table and it screeched forward.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Alan asked.

"Yeah! I'm FINE! There must be a cat somewhere around here," she said, turning over on the chair and, before Kitty could protest or even move, grabbed a few hairs from the top of her head. "Got it!" Kitty squealed - sounding strangely familiar to a cat - as Wanda ripped a few hairs from off the top of her head.

Alan tried to look behind the couch to find the source of the scream but Kitty, although dazed, was still able to quickly phase through the floor and out of sight.

"Nasty little thing. Oh well, at least I got a few souvenirs," Wanda said, waving around the hairs.

* * *

"Okay. Obviously you haven't had a role model to watch or to teach you," John said to Lance. They were standing in their apartment, 

John opened the door to reveal the delivery girl. The young girl, about twenty or so, was listening to music and looking bored. She was carrying the Chinese food in one hand and she was also chewing gum. John turned to Lance.

"Now, watch the God of Flirting in the act," he said. Lance snorted.

"I've had it with your stupid flirting procedures and techniques. I think it would be better if I just acted natural," he said matter-of-factly.

"Procedures? Whoa, no need to get political on me!" John said, putting his hands up in defense. Lance sighed thinking, _Idiot. _John turned back to the young girl. "Hi."

"Hi," she said, looking him up and down.

"You uh…come round here often?" John asked.

"Uh, _no_. I'm just delivering the Sesame noodles you ordered."

"Oh. Pity. Because it would have been something to look forward to during my morning runs," John said, handing her the tip. She didn't leave though. She leaned on the wall, tilting her head slightly.

"I live pretty close by, though," she said, gesturing slightly. "The university I go to isn't too far." John froze, paling slightly. She tried to look flirtatious by pouting slightly. "But not close enough."

"University?" he said.

"Yeah. I graduated pretty early. I go to the one only about thirty minutes away. I'm studying to be a scientist. This is only a part-time job."

"Scientist?"

"Yeah. I study geology. It's quite interesting actually," she said, not noticing that his hand had slowly sneaked up to grasp the door. "I mean seriously, geology rocks." She laughed, as did Lance, who immediately got the joke. John burst out into a peal of fake laughter.

"Oh, that's funny, hahahah!!" he laughed.

Then he closed the door in her face and turned back to a stunned Lance.

"Why did you-? How could you-? What was-? You had her right in the palm of-. Look at me! I can't even finish a sentence," he cried, slapping his forehead. He calmed down quickly. "Okay. You had a hot girl practically kissing your toes and you just slam the door in her face." John looked slightly pissed.

"She was smart. I can't get with smart girls. They figure out my game too easily," he muttered, and then he left.

* * *

Kitty was sitting in the car while Alan was driving. Her knuckles were completely white and her eyes were wide with terror. Alan's driving was equal to his mood. Completely crazy, especially when he was all worked up. What was worse was that he drove a convertible, a gorgeous car that could drive at speeds that were never meant to be reached on this earth. Unfortunately Alan liked to drive at those speeds. 

"I mean, they _fired_ me! And for what? Being _rude _to customers. That old man _deserved _to be slapped. He wouldn't stop pestering me to show him the literature section in the bookstore. I told him to screw off."

"But…isn't that your job? To direct people to books and stuff?" Kitty stammered, careful to keep her voice at a very light tone, so he wouldn't feel as if she were accusing him of anything.

"Do I _look _like a bloody information counter?" he snarled, slammed his hand on the steering wheel. The horn honked, startling a few young people who were crossing the road in front of them. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU STARING AT?!" The parents rushed their kids off, glaring at Alan. Alan snorted. "Stupid yahoos." He slammed his foot on the accelerator and they shot off, Kitty feeling as though her lunch was about to travel north. She put a hand over her mouth, turning slightly green.

There was silence as Alan reached the highway and began speeding up. He glanced at her.

"You should wear your seatbelt."

"No, it's fi-"

"_SAFETY FIRST!!_"

"Okay!" she cried, shoving her seatbelt on. A few seconds of awkwardness passed. "So…where are we going to go for on out date?"

"Oh, I found this nice place called-"

"WATCH OUT!!"

The tires screeched as Alan nearly crushed the brake with his foot. Kitty covered her eyes, shrieking and the car came to a sudden, painful stop. Kitty's head was nearly split in two as she jerked forward a missed the dashboard by a hair's breadth.

"CRAP!" Alan gasped, looking pale. He took a few shaky breaths, but that was nothing compared to Kitty's harsh breathing and the fact that the edges of her vision were turning black. She felt faint. "What the hell? Traffic on the highway? It's never this crowded." Kitty nodded in agreement, but felt that if she opened her mouth a very unpleasant scene would follow. Mainly one involving her previous meal.

"Great. Do you want me to find out what's been going on?" she asked breathlessly after a few minutes.

"No, it's fine. I'll do it. I'm great with people," Alan said. He jumped out of the car and started walking away. "_HEY! WHAT IN GOD'S FREAKING NAME IS GOING ON?!_" He stormed off.

"Yeah, great with people," Kitty muttered sarcastically. She leant over to the driver next to her, who was on the phone. "Excuse me? Do you have any idea what's going on?" The man hung up and nodded.

"Yeah. I just got off the phone with one of my friends who's been watching the news. Apparently there was a huge crash up ahead. No one was hurt, but one of the cars exploded which set off a chain reaction and now the whole highway's being blocked so that they can clean it all up. It'll be a few hours probably," he answered. Kitty paled.

"Okay. Thanks."

A few hours with Alan. It would be fine.

Totally fine.

Alan appeared again. He explained what happened as he got into the car.

"Looks like we're going to be here for a while."

They were silent.

"Why don't we play cards? I have a card pack."

"Um…" Kitty paused. What if she won the game? Would he scream at her? But what if she refused? Would he scream at her? "Sure. Why not?"

"Okay," he said cheerfully. "Let me just find my…WHERE THE HELL IS MY CARD DECK? THIS FREAKING SUCKS! I'M GONNA – oh wait, here it is."

"Great," Kitty said. His little outburst had caused her to plaster herself to the door of the car. The man in the neighboring car stared at her, slightly worried.

A card game and a tantrum later Kitty and Alan were sitting in the car, looking pissed off.

"I'm getting out. I want to talk to one of the workers, see how long it'll take until we can keep moving."

He got out of the car. Kitty rolled down her window and leaned over to the man in the neighboring car.

"Anymore news about the traffic jam?" she asked.

"Yeah. Apparently they found a casualty. Some guy was thrown out of his car and crushed in between all the other vehicles, so it's going to take even longer because apparently the ambulance got stuck in traffic and they can't get through all the cars."

Alan suddenly appeared, disheveled and panting. "Okay. We have a problem." He wiped sweat from his brow.

"Yeah, I already heard about the traffic jam and the casualty," Kitty said.

"Oh yeah, that too. But what's worse is that there are some guys up front in a van who're doing Speed and they refused to lend me some, so I might have gotten into a _little _bit of trouble."

"_WHAT??_"

* * *

"I give up!" John screamed, throwing his hands up in frustration. Lance followed him mournfully. 

"Why?"

"You're a lost cause, that's why!"

"But…but…"

"You know what, no more flirting. From now on you can just call up a hooker and be done with it!" John snapped.

There was a thoughtful pause.

"Call her up please," Lance said.

"Huh?"

"Two _years _John. Two years of waiting for Danielle and her opposition to 'pre-marital sex'. Although truthfully I actually thought I was going to score at the end, but that's not the point!"

"You want me to…" John searched for the word. "Hook you up with a hooker?"

"Yeah, _please_," Lance said, handing John the phone. John sighed and dialed a number. "Please don't tell me you know it by heart."

"I don't need to. Unlike _some _people," John said nastily. The phone rang for a few seconds, before Lance heard someone pick it up. "Hello? Yes?"

"…"

"Yeah. Come to the 6th floor, Apartment 15," John said. He rattled off an address. "Yeah. His name's Lance. He's a gym teacher."

"A _biology _professor!" Lance shouted, exasperated.

"Yeah. Yeah, okay," John said. "She wants to talk to you." He handed Lance the phone. Lance took it and put it to his ear.

"Hello, I'm Lance," he said. "I…hello? _Hello_? Hello?" He looked at the phone. They had hung up.

John burst out laughing.

"Man, you really _can _repel them. And over the phone! That's pretty powerful man," he said. "I give up. I'm not going to face a force that strong."

* * *

"Oh my god," Rogue and Wanda both said, staring at the soaked, disheveled mess in front of them. "What the _hell _happened?" 

Kitty, who was covered from head to toe in seaweed, her makeup smeared all over her face and one of the shoes gone, slowly tottered into the living room. She blinked slightly, her eyes glazed. Then she sighed.

"It's over!" she cried, throwing her arms up in relief.

"What's over?" Rogue asked, still staring. Kitty was about to sit down but Rogue jumped up. "No way! You're not sitting on my couch like that!" Kitty looked sulky, but didn't sit down.

"I broke up with Alan. It was…awful…"

"Go on," Wanda urged, looking eager to hear about anything that made Kitty miserable.

"There was a traffic jam on the highway…and Alan was being chased by some punks on Speed, but somehow they had managed to clear the roads so we drove on, but Alan was getting really agitated, so we were driving on the road, on the outskirts of Bayville to this restaurant when this bird pooped on his windshield and he blew up. I just got so freaked I…I…

"You what?"

"I jumped out of the car and landed in a seaweed pond," she wailed miserably. Wanda burst out laughing while Rogue had a hard time stifling her giggles. "Stop laughing! It's not funny!"

They shut up. She stormed off to her room.

It was only when she finally slammed the door when they both burst into bouts of hysterical laughter.

* * *

Pietro watched Charlie carefully. So far, she had been nothing but rude, pissy and obnoxious. He was obviously his daughter; she was like him in every way. He noticed this as the hotdog vendor turned his back on them for a few seconds and Hailey poured the chili sauce into the bottle of ketchup and replaced the caps before he turned back. She then glared at him as if daring him to reveal her. He said nothing, simply observing coolly. 

She had his speed, almost.

But there was something else that he realized.

She had just played a prank.

They walked into the mall silently, the tension between them obvious. But Pietro was scheming something in his head. They entered the elevator. Pietro's eyes were twinkling. Perhaps he had found a way to bond with his daughter.

Charlie coughed loudly. The cough was raspy and sounded painful.

Perfect.

Pietro immediately saw his chance.

"Oh. Oh dear, are you all right?" he asked. She kept on coughing, unable to reply with a sarcastic remark, but shot him an angry glower as if to say 'what are you playing at, loser?'.

The elevator was crowded with businessmen and they looked slightly annoyed. One of them, standing next to Pietro, glared at Charlie. Pietro looked apologetic. "Sorry about that, but, um, she has a bad cough. The doctor's scared it might be typhoid. Apparently it's really contagious."

Charlie gave him a strange look, something akin to surprise, then immediately caught on and kept on coughing.

Pietro patted her back sympathetically.

"Da-ad, I don't feel so good. Didn't the doctor say typhoid could kill people?" she whined. Pietro shushed her.

"Don't scare the nice people sweetie," he said. "It probably won't get worse. We'll just have to visit the hospital again." A woman leaned towards him.

"How long has she had this…illness?" she asked, looking disgusted as Charlie hacked even worse. Pietro sighed, looking sad.

"A few weeks. It comes and goes. The symptoms so far have been a fever, headaches, sore throats, vomiting, diarrhea and really bad skin rashes. The doctor told me to isolate her, keep her away from other people since it's extremely contagious at this stage, but what do doctors know, eh?" he asked. One of the men pressed the elevator button, looking slightly scared.

"How long does this thing take?" he murmured absently, slamming his finger into the button. Charlie coughed. Pietro put a tissue to her mouth then stuffed it into a grumpy, old man's hand.

"Could you throw this away for me? Thanks," he said, turning back to Charlie as she whined. The elevator stopped and before everyone could move Charlie hacked into her hand then placed it onto a skinny lady's shoulder.

"Excuse me," she muttered, moving her. The woman paled slightly and moved back. Everyone recoiled from her as she and Pietro moved out of the elevator and onto the floor. Once they were out of sight from everyone else they burst out laughing.

Once they had calmed down Charlie straightened up and smiled at him, looking as if she was already warming to him.

"That was genius! I've never even thought of that!" she said. "And I spent most of my free time playing pranks."

"Well, maybe I could teach you something. I used to be the master of pranks."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Like once, we – as in Toad, Blob, Lance and I – had a water balloon fight. Only thing is, Lance and I filled our water balloons with peanut butter, glue, curry and Lance even managed to stuff one with honey and a few bees."

"Wow. That's mean. And kind of cool."

"I know! Only problem was, Toad was deadly allergic to bees so we had to rush him to the hospital and his head swelled up so much it looked like another head was growing out of his forehead."

"Gross!!" Charlie laughed.

"Yeah. Lance and I drew a smiley face on the growth. Unfortunately that was with permanent marker so it took months to get out."

"Oh yeah? Well, once this girl I hate named Amanda was really mean to me and my friend so we pierced a hole in her water bra so when she went to cheerleading practice it started to leak!"

"That's nothing!" Pietro scoffed, although inside he was glowing with pride.

"Well, once Mom was working at the spa so she and I were at the spa so we managed to convince five men to try our new 'lotion treatment', so Mom ended up talking to them and telling them how they would feel so relaxed and leave with their skin glowing while in fact we were putting hair removal cream on their legs and head! She got fired but it was totally worth it!"

"Well, once I put glue on every single toilet seat at the X men's house! _AND _I cut out gay ad's and place them around Lance's room so when Kitty came in…well, let's just say there were many attempts at stuffing him back inside the closet before they both realized that there was a misunderstanding."

"I can top that. My friend Elena and I once managed to sent out an emergency email to everyone in the world that a fatal virus was being spread around the world. Not only that, but we broadcasted it on radio and panicked so many people that they even sent out news reports on the _Charlieson's Hails Virus_," Charlie sneered. Pietro gasped.

"That was _you_??!!" he cried, outraged. "I can't believe that! It took them four whole months believe they found out that CHV was just a prank. Four whole months of my life wasted in isolation with three other guys and a homicidal sister. Even my dad was scared witless!"

Charlie cackled.

"How could you even believe that? Loss of hair, loss of teeth, loss of blood circulation in the reproductive system until it all rots and falls off," she stopped, laughing so hard she could barely speak. Tears ran down her cheeks.

They were silent. Then Charlie stared at Pietro.

"You know…you're not too bad. For a gay guy."

"What?" Pietro spluttered. "I'm not gay!"

"Oh. Whoops."

And before he could say anything she took off, running at a faster speed than normal nine-year-olds did.

But of course, no one could outrun Pietro.

* * *

I didn't like this one. It was…meh. Took way too long because I would only write about one paragraph a week, so I was sick of it by the end. It was waaaaay too long. Especially since I had exams and stuff. Bloody exams. 

I did like writing about Alan thought, and Hailey. I love Hailey!!

By the way, I apologize if any of the jokes were offensive. They weren't meant to be offensive to anyone, they're just part of the story. I don't feel that way about anyone, seriously. But feel free to throw virtual fruit at me if you wish to.

By the way I know _nothing _about typhoid, so if any facts are wrong just ignore them.

- Speeddemonrox


End file.
